Finding Joy When I Don't Wanna

Random thought that has zero to do with anything…cause I am wondering if I am the only one who does this…

I will work out for 1.5 hours a day, go above and beyond in everything I do, but when I put a freakin’ fork in the dishwasher, I am too damn lazy to open the dishwasher the whole entire way. All of my silverware somehow ends up in the front 3 slots in the silverware holder. LOL! Every time.

Am I the only one?

Actual picture of my dishwasher laziness.

Anyway…back to my original thought for this post.

As many of you know, I read my Jesus Calling book every morning. I have for years. That book speak so much to me, I swear sometimes it was written specifically for me. I have even started giving them away to everyone who wants one…and so far this year, I have given well over 100 of these books away. So cool. If you want one, just send me a message and it is yours.

Last night was a sleepless night for me pretty much…I feel like I am under an enormous amount of stress right now, trying to keep a super tight ship with all of the loans that we have been so very blessed with. There are so so so many moving parts on each loan and so much back and forth…plus all of the new stuff that is coming in on a daily basis. You have NO idea how difficult it is to keep all of this flowing and to continuously make everyone think and feel like they are our only customer. I don’t know how to do it any other way and quite honestly, I don’t want to…because it is one of the things that make us (my team and I) so special…at least I think so. Like I have said many times before, there could be reality show about all of the stuff that goes on in the background that we do to make the process seamless. We make it look easy, but dammit it is not. Praying, tears, shouting, swearing, problem solving, victories, people pissed, people happy, laughter…It would be MUCH easier if we just didn’t give a shit…but it is just not in our DNA. I literally get between 400-600 emails a day. At least 50 text messages, have 2-3 client meetings a day, plus multiple phone calls, issues, etc. etc. that I have to manage on a daily basis, without having a nervous breakdown. Then, there is the additional “people” element, where other people want to make last minute changes, move dates, don’t do what they are supposed to do etc. that adds to it. We just somehow always make it work and that is fine….it comes with the territory. It is just like herding 100 cats though to get all of  this done. It is tough. But we do it anyway for the greater good. Sometimes I feel like running away and throwing my phone in the river though, but don’t worry, I won’t.

When I did sleep last night for my 3 hours, I dreamed about my loans. This happens more than I care to admit…but I do end up solving quite a few problems this way though when it comes to tough situations. I also remember my dreams a LOT…which is weird and I will write about this too cause I have some real doozies!! Last night’s dream though involved a bomb going off and Jennifer still somehow worried about getting her loans done. LOL.

I dreamt that a bomb hit (literally) right by my house but didn’t go off…and that I was under a deadline because the bomb was emitting radiation and would blow up in just a few days…and what am I worried about? Making sure my clients’ loans closed on time. WTH. Is that weird, or what? Of alllll the things I was worried about in the whole universe after a bomb hits, I am worried about making sure everyone’s loans are taken care of. It shows you what is on my mind though. I want to make sure that the process is as smooth as possible, even if it to my detriment…which sometimes, honestly, it is. At the end of the day, even if I have done everything right on my end, if someone else does something to piss someone off…it is somehow my fault. My reputation. My responsibility. That is a lot to absorb sometimes. It really is. 1000 mph the entire day for 10 hours.

What I take in at work directly dictates to how I feel when I am not at work…I cannot take in anyone’s negativity or drama. When someone complains or is negative to me, I shut them out and cannot listen. I just can’t deal with it. I feel like it will break me sometimes.

When I get home, I need silence (and a glass of wine) so that I can quiet my mind and slow it down. That is so hard to do. I need to be in my element of peace so that I can keep this all together.

My caring about people is just how I am. I am a people pleaser AND a perfectionist. UGH. Deadly combination! Ha ha! It’s true though. It is what has made me successful. The pressure it creates (self created) though is insurmountable sometimes. It is what it is. I care about people. I don’t know how else to be. Sometimes though, I would love to throat punch certain people…but only in my mind though.

So, back to Jesus Calling…finding joy. Sometimes, I feel like my days are full of sunshine and butterflies…like when I am hiking and the sun is on my face and nature is all around me…and sometime, I feel like I am just battling to get through the day. Finding joy…those days are harder to “find joy”…but I know it is there…I just have to look.

God creates the day and it is good. He wants me to talk to Him and to give Him my burdens. He wants me to search for the good and joy in all situations. Joy is always attainable. He is with me. Joy.

Proverbs 2 says (With my interpretation after it!!)

The Value of Wisdom

And <span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NKJV-16435A" data-link="(A)” style=”box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;”>treasure my commands within you, (Listen to me, dang it)
So that you incline your ear to wisdom, (Be still and listen)
And apply your heart to understanding; (Keep your heart open to what I say)
Yes, if you cry out for discernment, (Talk to Me!! Pray.)
And lift up your voice for understanding, (Talk to me.)
<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NKJV-16438B" data-link="(B)” style=”box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;”>If you seek her as silver, (Seek God as something good and valuable.)
And search for her as for hidden treasures; (You can find Him everywhere. JOY!!!)
<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NKJV-16439C" data-link="(C)” style=”box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;”>Then you will understand the fear of the Lord, (You will have reverence.)
And find the knowledge of God. (And you will find ME.)
<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NKJV-16440D" data-link="(D)” style=”box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;”>For the Lord gives wisdom; (Wisdom = Jesus)
From His mouth come knowledge and understanding; (Listen to Him.)
He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; (He’s got the key to life and happiness!)
<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NKJV-16441E" data-link="(E)” style=”box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;”>He is a shield to those who walk uprightly; (When I am with YOU, no one can be against you!)
He guards the paths of justice, (I will be with you.)
And <span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NKJV-16442F" data-link="(F)” style=”box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;”>preserves the way of His saints. (And save a place for you.)
Then you will understand righteousness and justice, (You’ll “get it.”)
Equity and every good path.(And you will know the way to go.)

So, my morning thoughts end with this: Amidst all of the stress that I feel, it is for the greater cause and that is what I must remember. I put a lot of the stress upon myself and I just need to let some of that go (give it to God) and just do my very best every day. Love people. Love God. Chill the F out. Remember that my gift that God gave me is to be used to help others and the money that I make for it is also to be used to help others. That is my joy. Thanks God.

Jesus Calling — Today!! Read it.

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