The nose bite… Sometimes I look at it and I get mad but then I realize what I’ve been through and what I’ve overcome.
Most times, I don’t notice it. Until I do. I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror, mainly when I’m putting my makeup on. It pops out to me then. This scar on my nose. It is a departing gift from a man that I will refer to as, “the biter.”
I remember the day I got that scar. It was January 3 and I had confronted him about taking a large amount of pain pills – an addiction that he swore was conquered. But, it wasn’t.
He yelled and screamed at me in the bathroom – pushed me against the counter. Stood over me. Like he was possessed. Or incredibly high.
Or both.
I looked at him in the eye and I screamed back at him, “Are you going to hit me?” I didn’t know what else to say.
He didn’t hit me though. He bit my nose. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes as he did it. It all happened in slow motion. Like I couldn’t believe he was doing it, so I didn’t know to stop him. He knew he had finally gone too far that day.
That was the last day we lived together.
Yes, there were lots of red flags that came before this. The abusive behavior, the yelling and humiliation… Screaming at me in front of others. Making me feel ugly. Unworthy. Constant walking on eggshells. The verbal degradation. I was always second-guessing myself. I was convinced he was going to kill both of us on purpose as he drove down the road so irrationally at high speeds.
There was a time he got so angry with me, that he screamed at me at a hotel and woke everyone up that was on our floor. It was over something silly.
But then, his charming side would rear its beautiful self. My goodness, how charming he could be. A perfect, loving angel. When he was like this, I would forget the tragedies that happened the days before, and life would be back to its perfect harmony. I would convince myself that he had changed. He was really sorry this time – it was going to be different from here on out.
Until it wasn’t.
His charming self never did last long. A perfect cycle of abuse. Classic textbook. Over and over again. Yet, I stayed. I let him have control over me. Until, that day. That’s when I had enough. It took all that I had to end it. Even then.
I was really angry at myself, too. How could such a strong person as my self fall victim to him? Why did I put up with his shit for so long?
The “charm“ parts of him were so mesmerizing. Maybe I was afraid of having another failed relationship. Maybe it was that I really thought it would get better – this time, it would be different. It never was though.
Yesterday, when I was putting my makeup on, it was one of those days when I saw my scar – my reminder of him.
This time, though, I smiled. I decided that I would write about it. I won. I got out.
I used to question God as to why this period of my life had to happen. Years later, though, it all came together in perfect harmony.
My nose bite was instrumental in a story that helped me bring my stepfather to Jesus before he died.
My scar reminds me that I am grateful for the love – the true love of my husband, Michael – that he has for me and I for him. What is real and what is not. What is love and what is not.
My scar is a reminder that abuse can really happen to anyone. Male or female. Strong or not.
My scar is reminder that I should always listen to my gut. That “gut“ thing seems to always be right, even when I don’t want it to be
My scar shows me that I have survived my worst days… days that I couldn’t wait to be done with, but seem to go on forever. But, they didn’t.
God use my experience for good, even though it sure didn’t feel good at the time.
If I can help one person realize that they need to get out of the abusive situation they are in, then my suffering was worth it.
If my scar can help one person realize that they are strong enough, good enough… Just enough.
Real love doesn’t hurt you. Humiliate you. Make you feel scared and unsafe.
Love doesn’t make you second-guess your every move. It makes you confident in every move.
Love is not being scared, it is feeling secure and safe.
It is patient and kind. It trusts, hopes and perseveres. That, is love
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